Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
