the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
