1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
