I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
