someone owes me an orgasm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
