Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
