Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
