I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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