take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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