So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
