Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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