my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
