I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
