I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
