I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
