We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
