I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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