yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
