I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
