I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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