Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
