Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
