How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dicks are not precious.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
