I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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