You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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