I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
