my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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