i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
