He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
ok first of all what the fuck
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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