I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
