nut hugger
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
