Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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