On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
