I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
