If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
