She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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