the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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