she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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