he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
