I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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