in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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