Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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