I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
