you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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