new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
