Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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