Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
