Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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