I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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