i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
