Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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